Hungarian Heart

I’m writing this on my phone and I have no notes or plans so this will probably be all over the place. I just needed a place where I can talk about this but I also didn’t want to annoy people with it because I talk about this all the damn time.

I’m lonely. 

Incredibly so.

It may not seem like a big deal. “Everyone gets lonely sometimes.” But I’ve been feeling lonely 24/7 for pretty much 4-7 years now.

I never had a lot of friends. Even when I was little, even before the whole depression and social anxiety thing fucked up my life, I was a shy and quiet kid. Pretty much never had more than two friends at the same time, and I’ve never been good with having not-really-friends-but-close-acquaintances. It’s hard for me to open up and trust someone and to let myself be completely me around others. I’m always afraid they’ll judge me, find me weird or annoying, or won’t like me anymore. And having almost all my past friendships ending with them just dropping me from one day to another didn’t help. It probably did more harm than I realize. And they probably don’t even know. They probably haven’t even though about me since then. Quite possibly they completely forgot about me. And I don’t blame them. 

I’m not interesting. It takes me a really long time until I can at least start to relax a little around others  and I guess people don’t like that. I fear I come off as cold or stand-off-ish. In reality I’m just scared and not good at initiating things. And I need my space. 

I used to have a friend, Vanessza, back when we first moved here.

It was my first day in school, I barely spoke any Spanish, so when the first break came I was standing around in the schoolyard alone. Two girls approached me and asked me where I was from and when I told them I was Hungarian they looked at each other and told me to wait there. A few minutes later they came back with Vani, who at the time was the only other Hungarian student at school. We were the same age so she managed to convince the principal (or someone, idk) to transfer me to her class so I wouldn’t be alone. (I never learned the names of the two girls who saw me, a stranger, standing alone and came over and tried to help, but we did say hi and smile at each other during break for the rest of the year. Looking back i should have tried to befriend them but I barely knew any Spanish so it was easier being Vani’s friend and speak with her in Hungarian.)

The thing is, I thought we were good friends. She was an extrovert and knew a lot of people but somehow our friendship worked. We hang out during breaks, one or two times I went over and she helped with my homework, she hang out at our place and when she brought her little bro over, the 4 or 5 of us (Vani, me, our younger siblings, and a little Hungarian girl who also lived at my gated community) played hide and seek or catch or we made up games. I once went down to the beach with her and her other friends after school (not to swim, it was still during school year). I didn’t join them playing volleyball because I’m bad at sports, but I did have fun just hanging out. I was invited to her birthday party. We were the only ones in our group brave enough to go on one of the attractions at the amusement park on our field trip. I was so happy this pretty and kind and funny and popular girl wanted to be my friend.

Then we spent most of the summer back at my grandma’s in Hungary. I started the school year a little later because of some complications. I don’t exactly remember if Vani was still in school at that time because depression fucked with my memory big time and this was around 9 years ago, but we eventually came to learn from one of their family friend that they moved back to America.

Without saying anything.

Without saying good bye.

Even when I eventually friended her on Facebook it took such a long time until she finally accepted my request. 

And she hasn’t talked to me since. 

I think they might have moved back to Spain since then, but I’m not sure. Mum wanted us to all get together and catch up but I don’t know if I want to see her again. 

I’m still hurt.

Another friend I had was Ági. We met the first day we moved to Spain, she was at our neighbor at a birthday party. She’s also Hungarian so we became quick friends. I haven’t seen her as much as my sis because I was in another school, but still, we had fun. 

When we had to move back to Hungary for a while we lost contact, but when we moved back to Spain we ended up in the same community and we were able to hang out a lot. We (Ági, her little sis, my little sis, and I) even had matching necklaces. I gave her half of a “best friends” ring. Then a friend of her came to visit her (I think maybe from England) and it was like she forgot we existed. She didn’t come over anymore, she didn’t even say hi to us. I haven’t talked to her since.

Then there was Zsuzsi. We became friends at our first English lesson in first year of high school when she asked if she could sit with me. She was also a little quiet and not terribly social. We hang out during breaks, we laughed a lot, we had our own memes. She even joined my drama club (that kinda transformed into a dance lesson) I held in my village’s tiny school. She came over during winter once and we got hot tea and walked around in the snow and she took pictures. She liked photography. We both loved Harry Potter and we went to see part 1 of Deathly Hallows together. When we gave our good bye performance at the village school she stayed behind, missing her bus, just so she could see the whole thing and say good bye again. There were tears. Then we moved back to Spain. We talked on Facebook for a while. Then she stopped responding. I wrote to her one or two times after that, leaving more time between my messages so I wouldn’t annoy her. No reply. Hasn’t talked to her since. The other friend that completed our trio later told me Zsuzsi said things about me after I left. Fortunately or unfortunately she changed school so she wasn’t there when I went back in third year. 

Then there was Para, a tumblr friend I looked up to, who helped me so much during the worst two years of my life, who without any warning or explanation unfollowed me one day.

I haven’t hung out with friends since 2011. I haven’t had IRL real friends since 2011.

I feel like a puppy, following anyone who has some kind words for me or pays a tiny bit of attention to me, and I keep getting hurt when they eventually get tired of me.

I’m terrified of the day my friends decide they don’t want me anymore.

Because with my track record it’s not a question of “if”. But a question of “when”.

I just wish I knew what is so wrong with me.