social media is bad

Alternate title: durr hburr technology is bad fire is scary and thomas edison was a witch

I am so tired of people saying social media is bad. Correction: I am so tired of people who say social media is bad and who refuse to listen to any counter argument or acknowledge that different people will have different experiences with it and therefore different -and valid- opinions.

Social media is made by humans. It's a tool. How that tool is used depends on people. I do not think it is inherently bad. It's like a hair-tie. You can use a hair-tie to tie up your hair - the intended purpose. You can use it to keep plastic bags closed - not the intended purpose but it works and it's not harming anyone. Or you can use it to snap it at your younger siblings or launch it at people just to annoy them - not the intended purpose and it is harming/annoying people. Does that make the hair-tie bad? Evil? Just because there are people using it in bad ways?

People say social media is making us anti social. And while I can understand their reasonings and I'm sure that might be the case for some people, I still beg to differ. This sounds just like the older generation complaining that today's youth is always on their phone instead of talking to people.

I remember the time before I had a smartphone. Heck, I remember the time before I had a phone. And guess what, I still wasn't striking up conversations in the bus stop or on the bus with random strangers.

For a long time humans has found ways to avoid talking to other humans. By reading a newspaper, a book, or having a walkman with them, or just staring out the bus window.I am on my phone and wearing headphone because I don't want to talk to you. I'm not here to socialize. I just want to do what I came here to do, in peace, then go home.

And I do talk to people. But thanks to technology, I am not limited to people in my immediate vicinity. I can talk to people from all around the world. I can find people who are interested in the same things as me, who went through the same things as me, who have similar opinions on things!

And I can learn so much from them! I can learn so much thanks to social media and the internet!

I can ask people about their country, their city, their culture, their language, their religion, their experiences! And I can do it real time, I don't have to wait weeks for my letters to get there and then wait another few weeks for their reply. And we can share pictures, videos, sound messages! I can see their face even if we live on different continents!

I can see what they want to share with people they care about. I can see what they are interested in, what they are passionate about at the moment.

Social media can be a really good thing if used correctly. It can connect people. It can help people. It can educate people. It can fight ignorance.

The internet in general can be an amazing place. Older people often whine we're on our phone/computer all the time, but they never stop to think what we might be doing on there. So I was curious and went through some of my YouTube history to see what I was doing. And sure, there are silly videos there, but there's also:

• Video essay about nihilism in Rick and Morty vs BoJack Horseman. I hated philosophy class in high school but this video was interesting and I felt like I learned more than I did in our lessons in school about this subject.
• Videos by a therapist, talking about mental health.
• Recipes. So many recipes. From different parts of the word. Different difficulty levels. Different budget levels.
• Work out and beginner yoga videos.
• Videos about different parts of Japan which helps us plan our trip.
• Videos about things you need to know if you go to Japan (public transport, useful phrases, suica and pasmo cards, what things are considered rude, etc)
• Videos about nutrition because school did a piss-poor job of teaching us anything useful
• Videos on how to make a diy packer so I can lessen my dysphoria.
• Art and craft tutorials.
• interesting videos about things around the world (for example: the ring of fire in the Pacific Ocean, or a beach clean up in Mumbai, cleaning a dead river in the Philippines, etc)
• Fun videos about history (check out NyxRising Industries' "History: it's all a little bit silly" series or "history of the entire world, I guess" by bill wurtz )
• Languages! Japanese, asl, anything you want.
• Photoshop and Lightroom tutorials
• Videos about topics that interest me or I want to educate myself about them (D&D, cosplay, Japan, depression, social anxiety, dysphoria, being trans, being intersex, having DID, etc)

As with everything, you have to be careful with social media and remember not to take it too far or too seriously, and that there is another person on the other side of the screen. But if you find a place for yourself, social media and the internet can be great tools.

I’m writing this on my phone and I have no notes or plans so this will probably be all over the place. I just needed a place where I can talk about this but I also didn’t want to annoy people with it because I talk about this all the damn time.

I’m lonely. 

Incredibly so.

It may not seem like a big deal. “Everyone gets lonely sometimes.” But I’ve been feeling lonely 24/7 for pretty much 4-7 years now.

I never had a lot of friends. Even when I was little, even before the whole depression and social anxiety thing fucked up my life, I was a shy and quiet kid. Pretty much never had more than two friends at the same time, and I’ve never been good with having not-really-friends-but-close-acquaintances. It’s hard for me to open up and trust someone and to let myself be completely me around others. I’m always afraid they’ll judge me, find me weird or annoying, or won’t like me anymore. And having almost all my past friendships ending with them just dropping me from one day to another didn’t help. It probably did more harm than I realize. And they probably don’t even know. They probably haven’t even though about me since then. Quite possibly they completely forgot about me. And I don’t blame them. 

I’m not interesting. It takes me a really long time until I can at least start to relax a little around others  and I guess people don’t like that. I fear I come off as cold or stand-off-ish. In reality I’m just scared and not good at initiating things. And I need my space. 

I used to have a friend, Vanessza, back when we first moved here.

It was my first day in school, I barely spoke any Spanish, so when the first break came I was standing around in the schoolyard alone. Two girls approached me and asked me where I was from and when I told them I was Hungarian they looked at each other and told me to wait there. A few minutes later they came back with Vani, who at the time was the only other Hungarian student at school. We were the same age so she managed to convince the principal (or someone, idk) to transfer me to her class so I wouldn’t be alone. (I never learned the names of the two girls who saw me, a stranger, standing alone and came over and tried to help, but we did say hi and smile at each other during break for the rest of the year. Looking back i should have tried to befriend them but I barely knew any Spanish so it was easier being Vani’s friend and speak with her in Hungarian.)

The thing is, I thought we were good friends. She was an extrovert and knew a lot of people but somehow our friendship worked. We hang out during breaks, one or two times I went over and she helped with my homework, she hang out at our place and when she brought her little bro over, the 4 or 5 of us (Vani, me, our younger siblings, and a little Hungarian girl who also lived at my gated community) played hide and seek or catch or we made up games. I once went down to the beach with her and her other friends after school (not to swim, it was still during school year). I didn’t join them playing volleyball because I’m bad at sports, but I did have fun just hanging out. I was invited to her birthday party. We were the only ones in our group brave enough to go on one of the attractions at the amusement park on our field trip. I was so happy this pretty and kind and funny and popular girl wanted to be my friend.

Then we spent most of the summer back at my grandma’s in Hungary. I started the school year a little later because of some complications. I don’t exactly remember if Vani was still in school at that time because depression fucked with my memory big time and this was around 9 years ago, but we eventually came to learn from one of their family friend that they moved back to America.

Without saying anything.

Without saying good bye.

Even when I eventually friended her on Facebook it took such a long time until she finally accepted my request. 

And she hasn’t talked to me since. 

I think they might have moved back to Spain since then, but I’m not sure. Mum wanted us to all get together and catch up but I don’t know if I want to see her again. 

I’m still hurt.

Another friend I had was Ági. We met the first day we moved to Spain, she was at our neighbor at a birthday party. She’s also Hungarian so we became quick friends. I haven’t seen her as much as my sis because I was in another school, but still, we had fun. 

When we had to move back to Hungary for a while we lost contact, but when we moved back to Spain we ended up in the same community and we were able to hang out a lot. We (Ági, her little sis, my little sis, and I) even had matching necklaces. I gave her half of a “best friends” ring. Then a friend of her came to visit her (I think maybe from England) and it was like she forgot we existed. She didn’t come over anymore, she didn’t even say hi to us. I haven’t talked to her since.

Then there was Zsuzsi. We became friends at our first English lesson in first year of high school when she asked if she could sit with me. She was also a little quiet and not terribly social. We hang out during breaks, we laughed a lot, we had our own memes. She even joined my drama club (that kinda transformed into a dance lesson) I held in my village’s tiny school. She came over during winter once and we got hot tea and walked around in the snow and she took pictures. She liked photography. We both loved Harry Potter and we went to see part 1 of Deathly Hallows together. When we gave our good bye performance at the village school she stayed behind, missing her bus, just so she could see the whole thing and say good bye again. There were tears. Then we moved back to Spain. We talked on Facebook for a while. Then she stopped responding. I wrote to her one or two times after that, leaving more time between my messages so I wouldn’t annoy her. No reply. Hasn’t talked to her since. The other friend that completed our trio later told me Zsuzsi said things about me after I left. Fortunately or unfortunately she changed school so she wasn’t there when I went back in third year. 

Then there was Para, a tumblr friend I looked up to, who helped me so much during the worst two years of my life, who without any warning or explanation unfollowed me one day.

I haven’t hung out with friends since 2011. I haven’t had IRL real friends since 2011.

I feel like a puppy, following anyone who has some kind words for me or pays a tiny bit of attention to me, and I keep getting hurt when they eventually get tired of me.

I’m terrified of the day my friends decide they don’t want me anymore.

Because with my track record it’s not a question of “if”. But a question of “when”.

I just wish I knew what is so wrong with me.

Gender dysphoria can suck my...

This post was unplanned, I'm just feeling really dysphoric and depressed and this is cheeper than going to a therapist. #imbroke

Genderfluid. Transgender. Nonbinary.
Things that people I'm out to know about, but I don't know how much they understand them.
You'd think finding out just what you are is going to make things easier, right? But it doesn't, it's just another thing I now have to deal with. Just because I now know what it it, it doesn't make it easier to deal with it.
Just because I know that what I'm feeling is partly gender dysphoria, it doesn't mean it's any easier to deal with or affects me any less.

And I'm alone. I can't talk about these kind of things with anyone, really. To the extent of my knowledge, all my friends and family members are cis.
Sure, they can read about it or educate themselves (not like my mum or sis ever made an attempt), but they still won't KNOW, they still won't fully UNDERSTAND. And it sucks. It sucks so much, because I'm alone, without any help, without friends who understand what I'm going through, without friends I can talk about more touchy subjects.

I've been looking at clothes on Aliexpress, and I found some hoodies I liked, but I can't buy them because they are mens hoodies which means there's no way they're gonna look good on me. I have wide hips, big thighs, and a slightly smaller waist. Which is an effing curse when you are genderfluid and want to dress masculine.
I can't wear most button up or button down shirts because I can't fasten the lower 1 or 2 buttons over my hips, it's snug in the chest area even with a binder, and the sleeves are always too long.
A hoodie that looks really good on the hanger looks ridiculous on me, because in the shoulders it's enormous, but I can barely tug it down past my waist.
I have no idea what kind of clothes would fit me and still look masculine.
So far all the people I've seen that do videos on how to dress when you want to look masculine, or people who are nonbinary and wear masculine clothes are:
-thin
-usually small chested to begin with so with a binder they are completely flat
-without any big curves
-androgynous looking to begin with
So, you know, it's not really hard for them to find clothes that fit and pull off that look.

I really, really hate how I look.
I hate my body.

I usually just put on a t-shirt or sweater and black pants, because:
1: the clothes I want don't fit me
2: I don't pass anyway, so why bother

What really pisses me off is when other trans people won't believe in gender fluidity. There was one person I used to follow on tumblr, he was a trans guy and I had to unfollow him after I learned he believed genderfluid people were really just cis girls who want attention so they dress in guy clothes sometimes. And this was a trans person, someone who should know gender is not all black or white.
But I guess I shouldn't be surprised. A while ago when I searched genderfluid on youtube at least 95% of the videos were cringe compilations, and videos on how gender fluidity doesn't exist and how it's stupid, and stuff like that. I barely found any videos that explained what it is, or where people shared their experiences.
And I just can't understand what made all those people so angry that they spent probably hours downloading videos and editing their cringe compilations.
Does my existence physically hurt you? Does the fact that I ask people I'm out to to use different pronouns that they'd use normally and that sometimes I shop in the mens section somehow affect your life?
No?
THEN WHY DO YOU CARE WHAT OTHER PEOPLE WHO HAVE NO AFFECT ON YOUR LIFE AT ALL DO?
We're not harming anyone. Just let us live normally, please.

I know I'm all over the place but I didn't plan this at all so I'm just writing what comes to mind.

I don't know if I'm ever gonna find a datemate. I only have a few friends (and all of them live far from me), and I'm not good at meeting new people. I have a ton of issues (depression, social anxiety, etc) and on top of all that there's the whole gender thing and the fact that I'm ace.
I'm almost 23 and I never had a single date, and frankly, I'm not sure I'll ever find someone.
I feel like time is running out. I feel like no one could ever like me and want to be with me.
The other thing is sometimes I feel like even my friends don't see me as me? I'm scared that when they see pictures of me they only see a girl and not me. I'm scared they don't think of me as I am and only see what everybody else I'm not out to sees. I'm scared they don't use my pronouns even when thinking about me or talking about me to friends. I'm scared they'll never see me as guy even when I am. But starting conversations with "it's he/him only today" seems pointless because we don't talk too much and it's not like they's need to use my pronouns when they are talking to me. And I wound't know if they used them when talking to anybody else about me, because there are at least a few thousand kilometers or an entire ocean between us. I've been talking about using specific pronouns on some days to match what I feel at that time, but with only a couple of friends and so much distance between us it just seems silly and unnecessary. (There are no gendered pronouns in hungarian so I can't even do that with the family)
I sometimes feel like my friends and family are just humoring me, like "sure Timmy, you can be a dragon slayer, now eat your veggies". "Sure you are a boy today, Sam, now please wash the dishes".
For a while now I've been using he/him and they/them. As soon as I knew I'm not cis (and felt comfortable coming out online - which wasn't a really big coming out) I ditched she/her. I was afraid that if I left the option to use she/her for me, everybody would automatically use those every time. But there are days when I feel really feminine and using he and they doesn't sit right with me.


You know what the worst thing about being genderfluid is?
There is no solution.
It's not going to get better.
I can't go on T because yes, it would help on masculine days, but it would in turn feminine days hell.
But I can't stay as I am now, because now my masculine and "¯\_(ツ)_/¯" days are hell.
Sure, I can wear a binder, cut my hair short, and try to dress more masculine, but I can't change my figure, or my voice.
I don't pass. I know that. And it hurts. and it hurts so much how people don't realize just how big a thing this is. They don't realize how much it's ruining my life