This post was unplanned, I'm just feeling really dysphoric and depressed and this is cheeper than going to a therapist. #imbroke
Genderfluid. Transgender. Nonbinary.
Things that people I'm out to know about, but I don't know how much they understand them.
You'd think finding out just what you are is going to make things easier, right? But it doesn't, it's just another thing I now have to deal with. Just because I now know what it it, it doesn't make it easier to deal with it.
Just because I know that what I'm feeling is partly gender dysphoria, it doesn't mean it's any easier to deal with or affects me any less.
And I'm alone. I can't talk about these kind of things with anyone, really. To the extent of my knowledge, all my friends and family members are cis.
Sure, they can read about it or educate themselves (not like my mum or sis ever made an attempt), but they still won't KNOW, they still won't fully UNDERSTAND. And it sucks. It sucks so much, because I'm alone, without any help, without friends who understand what I'm going through, without friends I can talk about more touchy subjects.
I've been looking at clothes on Aliexpress, and I found some hoodies I liked, but I can't buy them because they are mens hoodies which means there's no way they're gonna look good on me. I have wide hips, big thighs, and a slightly smaller waist. Which is an effing curse when you are genderfluid and want to dress masculine.
I can't wear most button up or button down shirts because I can't fasten the lower 1 or 2 buttons over my hips, it's snug in the chest area even with a binder, and the sleeves are always too long.
A hoodie that looks really good on the hanger looks ridiculous on me, because in the shoulders it's enormous, but I can barely tug it down past my waist.
I have no idea what kind of clothes would fit me and still look masculine.
So far all the people I've seen that do videos on how to dress when you want to look masculine, or people who are nonbinary and wear masculine clothes are:
-thin
-usually small chested to begin with so with a binder they are completely flat
-without any big curves
-androgynous looking to begin with
So, you know, it's not really hard for them to find clothes that fit and pull off that look.
I really, really hate how I look.
I hate my body.
I usually just put on a t-shirt or sweater and black pants, because:
1: the clothes I want don't fit me
2: I don't pass anyway, so why bother
What really pisses me off is when other trans people won't believe in gender fluidity. There was one person I used to follow on tumblr, he was a trans guy and I had to unfollow him after I learned he believed genderfluid people were really just cis girls who want attention so they dress in guy clothes sometimes. And this was a trans person, someone who should know gender is not all black or white.
But I guess I shouldn't be surprised. A while ago when I searched genderfluid on youtube at least 95% of the videos were cringe compilations, and videos on how gender fluidity doesn't exist and how it's stupid, and stuff like that. I barely found any videos that explained what it is, or where people shared their experiences.
And I just can't understand what made all those people so angry that they spent probably hours downloading videos and editing their cringe compilations.
Does my existence physically hurt you? Does the fact that I ask people I'm out to to use different pronouns that they'd use normally and that sometimes I shop in the mens section somehow affect your life?
No?
THEN WHY DO YOU CARE WHAT OTHER PEOPLE WHO HAVE NO AFFECT ON YOUR LIFE AT ALL DO?
We're not harming anyone. Just let us live normally, please.
I know I'm all over the place but I didn't plan this at all so I'm just writing what comes to mind.
I don't know if I'm ever gonna find a datemate. I only have a few friends (and all of them live far from me), and I'm not good at meeting new people. I have a ton of issues (depression, social anxiety, etc) and on top of all that there's the whole gender thing and the fact that I'm ace.
I'm almost 23 and I never had a single date, and frankly, I'm not sure I'll ever find someone.
I feel like time is running out. I feel like no one could ever like me and want to be with me.
The other thing is sometimes I feel like even my friends don't see me as me? I'm scared that when they see pictures of me they only see a girl and not me. I'm scared they don't think of me as I am and only see what everybody else I'm not out to sees. I'm scared they don't use my pronouns even when thinking about me or talking about me to friends. I'm scared they'll never see me as guy even when I am. But starting conversations with "it's he/him only today" seems pointless because we don't talk too much and it's not like they's need to use my pronouns when they are talking to me. And I wound't know if they used them when talking to anybody else about me, because there are at least a few thousand kilometers or an entire ocean between us. I've been talking about using specific pronouns on some days to match what I feel at that time, but with only a couple of friends and so much distance between us it just seems silly and unnecessary. (There are no gendered pronouns in hungarian so I can't even do that with the family)
I sometimes feel like my friends and family are just humoring me, like "sure Timmy, you can be a dragon slayer, now eat your veggies". "Sure you are a boy today, Sam, now please wash the dishes".
For a while now I've been using he/him and they/them. As soon as I knew I'm not cis (and felt comfortable coming out online - which wasn't a really big coming out) I ditched she/her. I was afraid that if I left the option to use she/her for me, everybody would automatically use those every time. But there are days when I feel really feminine and using he and they doesn't sit right with me.
You know what the worst thing about being genderfluid is?
There is no solution.
It's not going to get better.
I can't go on T because yes, it would help on masculine days, but it would in turn feminine days hell.
But I can't stay as I am now, because now my masculine and "¯\_(ツ)_/¯" days are hell.
Sure, I can wear a binder, cut my hair short, and try to dress more masculine, but I can't change my figure, or my voice.
I don't pass. I know that. And it hurts. and it hurts so much how people don't realize just how big a thing this is. They don't realize how much it's ruining my life
